Something Weird.

Read if you can till the end.

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And so, here I begin.

I treat this blog like my diary which is why I write so openly about anything and everything. Recently, life is being weirdly good to me. I'm not being ungrateful or having disregard for everything that has happened but it does surprise me that life's treating me well for once. At this point most of you are going to be thinking "Wow, what an ungrateful ***** " or "Here come the complains and the whining" but just keep on reading. You'll know what this is about.

Now that everything is so great and things are falling into place, there's something essentially big that is missing. Emotions and feelings. I don't feel anything except for fear. I feel this mixture of fear and numbness bubbling inside my chest. I am actually now used to feeling that way for some weird reason. I don't feel joy, happiness ( I only feel happy around this one person who I hope is reading this blog so they know why I've become so distant), sadness. I feel none of that. I've been told by one of the closest people I have ever had that being numb is better than feeling anything ever. Every time I start feeling anything, I run away from it, forcing myself to become distant from the emotion and the people I felt the emotion for.

Happiness scares me to be very honest. It just exists for such a small time and then suddenly everything turns black. I fear sadness too. It stays for way, way too long. The rest of the emotions, I have forgotten what alphabets they even begin with. There is this one emotion that has been lingering on for so, so long. 

Note: This is not me complaining, trust me. I have come to terms with everything going on inside me. What I have written here is just to give you a back story to what is coming next. Keep reading if you want to.

Fear. It's been so long since I've been feeling this that it is all I can remember. I don't remember what it felt like being complete, what it felt like to laugh without feeling my heart weighing about 500 tonnes. You know sometimes when you leave a butter cookie out in the open without it's wrapping and after a day or so when you pick it up, it just crumbles in your hands? That's how I feel. Like I have been kept outside for so long that if something or someone touches me, I'll break into a million pieces but then again, is that really a bad thing? Breaking? So what if I crumble under a slight touch? So what if I don't feel complete or I don't genuinely laugh or feel anything? Why is it so important to feel a certain way? Why do we have this dream of a "happy ever after"? What about those who die without it? Did they all die in vain, then? Why do we have this idea of a picture perfect life drilled into our heads? 

I am NOT depressed. At least not anymore but I don't specifically feel anything which is not a bad thing exactly and that is why I am writing this blog post in the first place. I know people feel this way. A lot of the people do and that is the thing: shit happens. Take your time. Believe me, I am taking mine too. Everybody heals but just at their own time. I mentioned above "the picture perfect life" and the " happy ever after", I don't believe in them. I absolutely stand against it but what I do stand for is that looking for things or people that make this living hell seem a bit better is not a bad idea. I found people which make life a little bit more bearable but then again, isn't that what it's all about? Finding things and people that make your heart beat like crazy for even a single second?

You can't be fully happy with anything and everything, it's human nature but what you can do is, live. Just live. God knows, that's what everyone else is doing.






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